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Bee-otch of the Day honors are awarded Monday through Thursday; Bee-otch of the Week is awarded Sunday morning on's socials.

Name: The Democratic and Republican Parties
Age: 193, 167
Occupation: the two-party system
Last Seen: Washington, DC
Bee-otched For: keeping us in Afghanistan

If you're graduating from high school this year, congratulations.

Since you were born in 2003 (2002 for the Young 5s crowd), let me tell you what things were like before you were born. Prior to you entering this orb called Earth, cell phones were a little different. They didn't have apps or even access to the internet. Instead, they were only used for making phone calls and texting, though making a text message was kinda tough because people relied on the letters next to the numbers, making abbreviations like "OMG", "BRB" and "WTF" necessary. Many people still went to record stores to buy music, though that was on the way out thanks to faster internet and a thing called "Napster". Ever hear of them? 

In 2003, people listened to artists like 50 Cent, the now-incarcerated R Kelly, J-Lo, Eminem and Nelly. Programs like the original American Idol, CSI, Friends and The Apprentice dominated TV and "The Lord of the Kings: Return of the King" dominated theaters.

The biggest news story in 2003 was obviously the turmoil between the US and the world, especially 9/11. You weren't born yet when on October 7th, 2001, we invaded Afghanistan to stop the Taliban from giving al-Qaeda a safe space to operate. Obviously, you know why after a long, miserable 20 years, we're stuck there because of the events on 9/11. 

I almost remember 9/11 like it was yesterday. Back then, I watched the dust and smoke rise from the remains of the World Trade Center on an old, heavy, boxy TV set that had a giant tube in there. Remember those? Ever seen one? Anyway, it was a scary day for everybody. I fondly remembered gassing up my car because there were rumors of an oil shortage from 9/11. It never happened. 

One of my fond memories of 9/11 was the fact that for a while, people clinged on to president George W. BusHitler like a sock on a sweater in a dryer with no fabric softener. We supported him. We loved him. We treated him like Jesus. And then, it was off to Iraq.


Obviously, We the People started growing a brain. BusHitler seemed to put Osama on the back burner and whisked us all back to Iraq to finish the job his dad started. "Fahrenheit 9/11" was released and Michael Moore woke us up. BusHitler had what it took to stop the atrocity on 9/11 that killed nearly 3,000 innocent souls. But, surprise! His predecessor, Clinton, also should have done his best to stop it from happening, too. After all, he allowed the Taliban to practice their path of destruction on American soil. 

Yes, we were duped, as the old lady from 'F9/11' said. Both Democrats and Republicans approved to get us into these wars and 4,500 Americans and 240,000 civilians all died as a result. The cost of the wars that were started? $2.4 trillion. In other words, almost 13 Elon Musks. 

Well, the war has raged on, though it's not as much headline news as it once was. Yes, it's a war we've forgotten even existed, though we captured Osama and tossed him into the sea a decade ago. A lot has happened since, making us all forget that our troops are still over there. On September 11, 2021, twenty years after all this started, it will be over. The troops will finally come home. Hopefully, for good.

Sadly, there's those who are all crying that we've lost the war since the Taliban - although not as powerful as they once were - is still alive and well. Some say that we're cowards for leaving. The question is, why were we there in the first place? 

You see, this is what happens when we have bad leadership. OK, so Clinton left the White House without a deficit. Great! It's too bad that he allowed Osama and Co. to train on our grounds so they could threaten us. He made it BusHitler's problem and he slept on it. At the end of the day, we all lost. Instead of choosing a true progressive to bring this country back in order in 1992, we elected someone who played a sax on Arsenio and didn't do a whole lot for American workers. Maybe that's why when I was 21, I had to choose from staying in northern Michigan where I was probably going to be fired anyway or work for an asshole who fucked me over for a decade with lies, backstabbing and gaslighting. Of course, Reagan deserves an asskicking too because of him busting unions and lowering taxes for the wealthy. 

On this upcoming September 11, my fellow 18-year-olds, you'll know what it's truly like to live without war. Yes, COVID-19 is alive and well still, but as long as we get our vaccine and keep wearing masks, happy days will be here again sooner or later.

In the great words of John and Yoko, "War is over if you want it". And yes, we want it ASAP.


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